Stepchildren and Divorce

The topic of divorce is not a pleasant subject, especially where children are concerned. What follows here are a few scattered notes and thoughts on the topic.

Second marriages are about 50% more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. Second marriages in which stepchildren are involved are up to 70% more likely to end in divorce. (For sources, see for example here, where a rate of 65% is given, or here, where the rate is given as 65 to 70%.) Why is this?

It seems likely that when two people have already experienced one divorce, a second doesn't seem as daunting. Also, lessened social pressures against divorce contribute to the increased divorce rate among all marriages, so it seems likely that this contributes even more strongly to the abysmal rate of divorce in second marriages. The presence of stepchildren aggravates the situation.

Stepchildren constitute a fundamental conflict of interest between two married people. A mother's bond with her children is generally so strong that in any conflict between her children and her husband, she'll side with the children, no matter how egregious their behavior. I'd be willing to bet that in the case where it is strictly the father's children involved, the divorce rate is lower, due to a father's weaker bonds with his children. He's less likely to put up with his children's rejection of his wife. A stepfather has even less interest or concern for his stepchildren than for his own, and is pretty unlikely to put up with bad behavior or disrespect from stepchildren.

Compounding the problem is our current era's non-judgmentalism and the lack of respect accorded adults. Kids today are almost expected to behave badly and we deem it only "natural" that they dislike their step-parent. Unable to render judgment, the adults in this situation instead lavish sympathy and counseling on their kids. One can also imagine an age, not that long ago, when step-children would not even be allowed to be on a first-name basis with a step-parent, having to use "Mr. Smith" or "Mrs. Jones" or even "Sir" or "Ma'am" when addressing them. These days, it's all "Jack" or "Jill", which opens the door for casual disrespect. First names are all very well if the parties in question all get along and constitute a happy family, but as we can see from the statistics that isn't often the case.

Just as women have a stronger interest in their children than they do in their husband, and likely have as a strong reason for remarriage the support of their children, men are unlikely in the extreme to have as a reason for marriage the helping of a woman's children. They may view it as part of their obligation, or even feel that they're eager to help on account of their love for their wives, but it's doubtful that they see it as anything other than a side effect.

Men are hardwired with the aversion to raising another man's children. While this can be overcome by cultural influences, like lots of human behavior including marriage itself, it remains a powerful force. Men will be unwilling to countenance disrespect on the part of stepchildren. He already feels he's doing them and their mother a huge favor by his mere willingness to be involved with them. (I'm speaking here in the greatest of generalities.) So when those children show their dislike or disrespect for him, he's out the door. It get's worse when the children's mother takes their side. As already stated, the mother has a greater concern for and bond with her own children than with her husband, and in any conflict will take her children's side. That's when her husband is out the door like a shot.